Slice and dice and drain for approximately 9 and a 1/2 hours.

The home surgery incident was born of long-term irritation about a skin tag on my inside leg. At 7:40 one early June morning I decided to take drastic action.

I grabbed the scissors.

I scissed.

I or-ed.

And as blood flowed down my leg, I thought, "oh, it'll be like having cut myself shaving. A shower will stop this too."

But it didn't.

What ensued was a 9 and a half hour frenzy of wound-packing, plasters, clothes changing and trips to hospital. The first trip to a minor-injuries unit was rather dramatic as blood continued to pour forth and expensive dressings couldn't stem the flow. It all ended rather dramatically with the nurse stating that I had lost too much blood and needed to go straight and insisting I went to Accident and Emergency. Oh dear.

So I went. And I bled. And I waited. And I bled. And finally when I was seen at 6:40, the bleeding had stopped.

I walked home, slightly dizzy and rather more than embarrassed, wondering if I should give up on home surgery or get some sand-paper and a stanley knife and set about giving myself that nose-job I've always hankered after...

The dos and don'ts of home surgery.

1. Don't do.
2. Just don't.

I say this because I wish I had been similarly warned...