Thank you, yes thank you, it's fantastic, thank you very much...

If I was Bridget Jones I would open my diary entry like this:

Wednesday, November 24rd
Weight unknown (but greater than before due to excess of rice and pasta in diet), chocolate bars eaten: 5 (v. good, less than yesterday), calories 4,000,000 (pasta for lunch and tea plus chocolate plus lack of exercise), no. of awkward moments with native Japanese 15, no of superficial niceties uttered as part of fitting in 1,000,000,000,000, opportunities for romance: 0 (am the only gay in the village), alcohol intake: 0 (am on plan of enforced abstinence. Enforced for 3 nights a week. Anything more would be unrealistic.)

And this would be a standard entry, except for the two pasta meals and lack of alcohol. The niceties here are part of what makes life great and at the same time frustrating. The Japanese have a hugely complicated greetings system where you use different greetings depending on time of day, location, the importance of person you're speaking to, whether you're visiting or staying, and 1 billion other unfathomable factors. And to make it even more confusing the same words can be used to express the following: nice to meet you, thank you, I'm sorry, hello, goodbye and would you like a single or a double room (probably). To try and say the right thing is akin to trying to bake bread with a only a rolling pin and some flour. It just isn't happening.

But fortunately the Japanese are gracious enough to realise that I am a dunce and are very kind despite my attempts. This is best demonstrated in staff enkais such as the one I had on the 13th November, where teachers you've decided don't like you actually invite you to their house for dinner. It's always a surprise who will try to talk to you. And it's amazing how happy you are to talk about food for the 6 millionth time simply because it means you can talk to someone (although it was a struggle trying to explain that in England we use different types of potato for different dishes. They only have one type of potato here, and they only think you can fry them.) I was very pleased with myself at this enkai because I only drank half a bottle of wine, and left early. Although not before I witnessed the horrific side to Japanese cuisine. The waitress brought out disches covered in polythene and my kocho sensei (headmaster) waved one under my nose. "Ooh, that looks like eel," I thought, until it flipped. It was alive. I jumped (as you would) and kocho sensei unpeeled the cover to reveal live shrimps. That weren't alive for long. With some gusto he ripped the head off the flitting shrimp and then the tail and gobbled it down. I thought of Gollum in Lord of the Rings and his fish. And then I thought about leaving. I was repeatedly offered said shrimps and in an increasingly loud voice, repeatedly said "no". "It's fresh food," said one teacher. "It's too fresh," was my reply. And suddenly sashimi looked horrible too. But I got over that, as you would.

Sunday, November 14th
Chocolate bars eaten: 5, cans of pop drunk (drank?): 4, number of times stared at by old Japanese women 15, number of CDs purchased 3 (but one was Christmassy, so it doesn't count), number of baked goods eaten 5

We went on a group trip to Tsuyama, where we purchased some pitiful Christmas decorations at the 100 yen store. Despite their protestations, I dragged Abby and Johanna to the nicer of the two parks I previously went to (the one without the monument to potatoes). They liked it when we got there, although none of us liked the Australian guy who latched onto us, then said goodbye, and then reappeared 3 times. On one occasion he asked us if we were high on drugs. I don't really think that's much of a way to make friends, although I can kind of understand how he got that impression given that I was shouting at Johanna for wearing white socks (she wasn't doing sports. It's just not acceptable.) And then I stalked a heron around the park for approximately half an hour, attempting to photograph it. Having a camera phone is not a good idea for me.

Monday, 15th November 2004
Hours slept: 3. All other details forgotten due to lack of sleep and the blur of teaching the under 10s.

Busy day at school teaching colours and restaurant conversation to elementary school children. Had to apologise for being 'ill' the previous Friday. No-one appeared to know I was chucking up thanks to Uncle Alcohol. Denied having a cold 15 times. Have no idea what happened in the evening, although I'm quite sure alcohol wasn't involved.

Tuesday, 16th November 2004
Chocolate bars eaten 5, number of unrecognisable food items eaten 5 (elementary school lunch- leftovers from the river), number of healthy food items eaten 0.5 (unrecognisable dinner, eggy, cheesy rice for tea and choc does not equal nutrition), number of boozy drinks drunk 4.

Oh dear. I was found out. My elementary school contact found out I had a hangover on Friday. Fortunately she thought it was hilarious. It was in a way. The way being how wrong can you get it in front of your supervisor. I think I am the first one in the group to pass out in front of their boss. Oops. Again.

In the evening we got the coach to Okayama (me, Christine, LeeJay and Kathleen from a nearby town) for -non excited pause- another conference. Whoopee. We numbed the pain of what was to come by eating and drinking. LeeJay and I had tea in a restaurant at the station and then we met the rest of our gang (RayVon, Fiona, Ab Slance and Saddam) in a yaki tori (fried meat on sticks) restaurant and drank and drank.

Wednesday, 17th November 2004
Conference. No of times previously given information was given again: 54, no of bitchy comments uttered per minute during speeches: 14, no of new friends made through bitching: 7, no. of inappropriate things said in front of Japanese people: 168 (special score).

Yes, in some ways the day was successful. The lectures were the usual old stuff and nonsense, but it's so easy to make new friends when you just bitch. It's like being very honest about other people's failings, and being honest is a virtue, so I try very hard.

I also tried to locate an English Doctor so that I could speak to someone about this itching. I went to the hospital to speak to the English speaking Dermatologist I was told about only to find out that it was a hospital of internal medicine where 'internal' and 'medicine' were the only English words spoken. But! Thanks to the technology that is my mobile phone with it's built in bilingual dictionary, I was able to ask for a dermatologist and they sent me in the direction of a good one. Who also didn't speak English. But at least I got to see this one without three dullard nurses and 2 gossiping receptionists looking on. Gestures and a mobile phone explained my problems and I was given creams and pills that appear to be working. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Fiona and I finished the day by going to an authentic Indian restaurant which had a beautiful English menu, and then we looked at the Christmas trees and decorations in Okayama.

Thursday, 18th November 2004
Somedays you are placed with an individual who proves themself to be an idiot and it brings you closer to those around you. This was one of those days. We were in groups for the conference and had to discuss and comment on various things. Our groups included Japanese English teachers as well as us ALTs. One ALT spent his time making inane comments in an attempt to impress the Japanese teachers and failed miserably, alienating the rest of us too. But we quickly learnt to tune him out and discount his input (which was rubbish really).

I sorted out my tickets home for Christmas! Woo! Woo!

The evening was another quiet one. I was staying at Fiona's and Busty came for tea. We shared a bottle of wine and had a really good chat. How nice! Busty (real name Betsy) is a really cool American girl. She organised a charity drive for the earthquake victims and raised a good deal of money.

Friday, 19th November 2004
Calories 10,000,000 (I blame the French), alcohol 5 units, cds bought 4 (1 was from some nice Peruvians playing pan pipes in the street- cultural- and 3 were second hand so none of them count)

After 1.45 hours of torture (which included a half hour break) at the conference closing, I paid for my flight home (your Christmas present will be my presence. There is no receipt, you can't take it back. Pretend to be pleased...) and Johanna and I headed for Kyoto for our weekend away. The Shinkansen is a wonder and got us there in an hour, and our hotel was lovely. We wandered the streets, looked at a Castle that closed an hour before we arrived then went shopping. And had tea in a restaurant that had an English menu featuring large amounts of "hose" meat. Someone had scribbled underneath the listing, "horse". Either way, it didn't tickle our fancy. But we struggled on and continued to shop, finding courtyards decorated for Christmas, T-shirts with obscenities scrawled on them (oh, how I had to restrain my shopping urges) and had an almost sexual experience when eating products from a French-style patisserie. If people had given us funny looks as we slid down the walls of the shopping centre with chocolate brownie dripping from our mouths I wouldn't know...

Saturday, 20th November 2004
Sights seen 25, number of Japanese people we scandalised: God only knows, number of pictures taken: 145 on mobile phone, 20 on normal camera, chocolate bars eaten 5, staff harrassed in the GAP 3

So after a brief drama of having nowhere to put out baggage we made it to sightseeing. We wandered round a temple complex where they are rebuilding one of the temples from scratch (e.t.a. 2011) and then went to Kiyomizu dera which had lots and lots of red trees and is just a lovely, big temple complex. I went there last year too. Then we went to Heian Jingu, which is another temple complex, built to 2/3 of it's original scale (it's bloody massive). I went there last year too. Then Yasaka pagoda, a big five storey pagoda, on the way to which we saw some maiko (geishas in training) and they seemed to find it funny that I wanted to take their photo. I went there last year too. And finally we went to the Golden Temple which had some of the most stunning autumnal colours in the grounds, and it was almost luminous at dusk. I went there last year too.

We headed back to Kyoto station by bus which drove us delirious and caused us to repeat Japanese niceties under our breath ad nauseum. And the bus was packed with Japanese people who surely weren't impressed. We stopped at the shopping centre where I bought my first hat in years (I have definitely forgotten my principles- it was a GAP purchase) and then harrassed the shop staff because I really liked the Christmas music. Only being Japan, they were unable to give me the info I asked for. So we headed to Osaka and our youth hostel which was loverly...

Sunday, 21st November 2004
Chocolate eaten 5 bars, CDs bought: 3 (but 1 was a Christmas album to aid mental health and the other two were Japanese language, therefore educational and none of them count. Total=0)

Ok, so I've been to Osaka before, and I like it, but we only had a few hours, so it was a bit of a rush. But we managed to fit in shopping and coffee at Starbucks. And I stalked GAP in Osaka where they also couldn't help with Christmas music. We got the highway bus home and marvelled at (a) how cheap it was, (b) how fast it was and (c) how hot it was on board...

Monday, 22nd November 2004
Chocolate bars eaten 0 (call the doctor), alcohol: lots (but not too much), no. of times was asked if I was cold: 12, no. of times I sang hello song with school kids 26 (8 at school, 18 times in the evening)

Back to elementary school for a busy work day where I confounded everyone by wearing only a short sleeved shirt for the latter part of the day. And then we stayed at a Japanese friend's. Every Japanese house contains something that boggles your mind. The lift in the dentist's house in Hiroshima seemed rather bizarre, but this lady had not only a bidet/wash/ heated toilet seat combo western style loo, she had a urinal as well. The word "why?" kept ringing in my head...
But she is lovely and we have chatted a lot since I got here, and she invited LeeJay and me to her home as there was traditional entertainment on in Tsukida (the town outside mine) that night. The entertainment was an extended version of what we saw on a trip to Bisei town in August on our orientation, but this was funny. Loads of the kids from my schools were there and all came up to say hello, and the locals were all very friendly, even if they couldn't speak English. Lots of hot sake was drunk, and a good time was only marred by the apparent cold. I say apparent, because I was a bit chilly but everyone else was acting like they were sitting in a freezer.

Tuesday, 23rd November 2004
National holiday. Labour thankgiving day. I don't understand the concept.
But we did nothing relevant. Ab Slance came from Shingo town and we went to the launderette. And had English conversation class in the evening.

Wednesday, 24th November 2004
See top.

Today we watched Christine teach and had to comment and say lots of polite things to Japanese people and then a group of us had lunch together and then I got my hair straightened again. This last detail is clearly the most ineresting and important thing that has happened in the last week, and therefore I feel happy closing on this point.

Ta ra for now. No-one here would understand that if I said it to the.