Jingle bells? I don't think I have a window for that...

Yay! I'm going home tomorrow. Okayama airport to Seoul, Seoul to Heathrow, Heathrow to Ilford (OK, so the last bit isn't a plane journey, but I am doing my best to make it sound glamorous. It's been a busy 8 days with lots of going out, and as usual, lots of last minute shopping (my organisation genes are obviously suffering from some unfortunate syndrome. Again.) And unlike most weeks here, the nights haven't been fillde with booze. This is because I've realised the anti-histamines (which I've been taking for over a month now) have been working with the alcohol to make me an even cheaper and somewhat nastier date (cheaper in the sense that 4 drinks gets me smashed and nastier in the sense that 6 drinks gets me vomiting.) I am beautiful no matter what they say, etc, etc... I wouldn't bloody mind but I'm still itching all the bastard time (please repeat in grumpy Lily Savage style voice.)

Anyway, here's an abridged version of the week's events:

Thursday 9th December: Evening spent at Japanese friend Nao chan's house where she cooked an excellent meal, and my new favourite- agedashi tofu- and her husband got very drunk and knocked a pot of sho-chu over so that it went up the walls into the living room, all over the floor and soaked the tatami. Oops...

Friday 10th December: Baking cookies with 40 kids (and only 3 toaster ovens) at Katsuyama elementary. Successful though- no hot-plates. Evening spent in Okayama at Fiona's.

Saturday 11th December: Doctor's, visit to the orphanage where Abslance was Mrs Claus and Jez was Santa. Very funny. Went to eat with Betsy , Winkie and Ellison and we had those print club stickers done (photo stickers of yourselves.)

Monday 13th December: no classes at school, but in the evening- Dance Class! Went to a street dance lesson (means street style dancing as opposed to Martha and the Vandellas style dancing in the street). I thought I could move well, but blimey, the first hours was pilates-like stretching and was v. hard. Will never be able to do splits or put legs behind head no matter how hard I try or drunk I get. Second half of class was learning a routine at lightning speed. Or not-learning in my case and flailing about like a fish in a frying pan. Will go again, if only because I liked the music during the first hour, and spent much time singing like a loon.

Tuesday 14th December: Preparing for classes at school. Then an end of year party for English conversation class at a really good Chinese restaurant in my town.

Wednesday 15th December: Many lessons and a near baking disaster at Tomihara primary school (Master Baker Chris to the rescue)Then in the evening a meal with Christine and Johanna where we figured out some of the meals on the menu and I ate a whole roasted bulb of garlic. A double layered one too. It wasn't long before a smell wafted from me. And the garlic seemed to take on a bean like effect and kick start the old digestive system. Again, I am beautiful, no matter what they say etc, etc...

Thursday 16th December: 3 lessons at Junior high, unaccompanied by teacher, piano or orchestra. After school, met Nao chan and Johanna and went to Kuse for a meal and then to Karaoke! Johanna and I performed our professional-like duet of Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" for Nao chan, and then dazzled/ appalled her with our abilities on a variety of other hideous anthems. And I sang "All I Want For Christmas Is You". Again.

Friday 17th December: 3 lessons at Junior high and the bus to Okayama where Johanna, Saddam, Abslance and I porked out on tasty Japanese food, and I introduced Saddam to the delights of Agedashi tofu (mmm).

Saturday 18th December: Trip to the doctors (good value in Japan) and then bumped into Winkie and Ellison in Starbucks and had a good chat and coffee and cake before going to meet Chad and we went to another coffee place and had a good chat and an ice cream sundae and then met Johanna and Abslance and we went to Baskin and Robbins and had a chat and some ice-cream. And we then did some Xmas shopping. Had tea at a sushi restaurant in Kurashiki and Abslance took us home.

Sunday 19th December: Tidying up, preparing and Christmas shopping.

Monday 20th December: No lessons at school (preparing), but the third grade all made me Christmas cards. Went Christmas shopping in Kuse in the evening and did most of my packing. Made tomorrow's school lunch for the first time in three months.

Tuesday 21st December: 2 lessons, more cards from the third grade (thank you and Merry Christmas), updated web log.

That's it so far, tonight will go to Okayama and stay at Fiona's, tomorrow will fly!
See you all soon, and as I may be a) too busy, b) too drunk or c) too itchy to update this soon, I will say now Merry Christmas!

A time for rejoicing...

Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

I have found a toilet duck type product in the supermarket.

Now my toilet is not just nearly clean, it's really clean.

A whole new me.

After 4 months of drinking and laughing and teaching, I think the zen may have hit me. Or something anyway. Things have changed. In a very odd way. I feel like Madonna when she launches a new album. I have a new image. And it was damn hard work. I have carefully crafted an image of artistic-ness and sportsmanliness. I'm not sure if I want it, but that's not the point. Anyway, in best cheap magazine style, here's how you can create a new image in three easy steps:

How to create new image
i) Teach unfamiliar things
Tip: Practice hard
So my English Conversation Class wanted to do cooking. I decided we would cook scones as most had heard of but never eaten them. And bloody hell it was not easy. Ovens are a mystery to people here, and houses are fitted without them. No one bakes anything and roasting would be a dirty word if it existed in the language.

As I have no recipes with me, I asked my Ma to send me a scone recipe. And proving well and truly that we are related, unbeknown to me she lists the ingredients for pastry and the method for scones. So before thanksgiving I practise cooking scones in a convection microwave oven (the very same one which nearly started a house fire three weeks ago when it decided to obliterate an expensively imported bagel at 7am.) Not surprisingly, they stiffed. Literally. Like board.

Then, Ma sends the right recipe, but it requires self-raising flour. And this is also not a common thing here (I'm led to believe it exists, but I nor no-one I asked has seen it.) So due a baking powder mishap I end up with huge vinegary doughy lumps on the Sunday. On the Monday, with further assistance from Ma and the Dairy Book Of Home Cookery, I get it nearly right, but figure it'll have to do for class. No-one will know if we put loads of jam on.

Tuesday comes, and I buy enough stuff so that 12 people can each make scones. And what happens? Only 7 turn up and they decide to make two groups and work together. Oh well. But the scones turned out okay. Thank God, Ma and the Dairy Book of Home Cookery.

This led me to undertake further cooking with my students at elementary school. I have now made four lots of sugar cookies, an American recipe I got from the internet. The kids are always excited as they have never done anything like it before, and, it seems, neither have the teachers. This was proven when, at a school I was at two days ago (Tuesday), the teachers insisted on cooking the cookies on a hot plate. Despite my saying no. Fortunately they only did a few as they came out like burnt cakes, and a couple of other teachers cooked the rest of the mix in an oven.

ii) Research
Tip: make research fun by only researching things you like.
I have been watching films again. Last Wednesday Johanna cooked me tea and we enjoyed Bridget Jones. This week I have enjoyed "About A Boy", but didn't enjoy "The Order". Why? Because it was crap. Avoid it like you would avoid eating live shrimp. Enjoying is a very Japanese thing. In schools in particular, any word can follow the phrase "Let's enjoy" regardless of whether it is grammatically correct or makes sense, eg "Let's enjoy conversation", "let's enjoy English", "lets enjoy marathon", and "let's enjoy eating grey unrecognisable food for lunch".

iii) Impress people with your skills
Tip: any old skill will do, just do it in front of kids.
As it's Christmas, we can do themed lessons with our classes. So I have taken the opportunity to teach Christmas words and then have the students make Christmas cards and cut out snowflakes (although I have now given up teaching the word snowflake-it's just too hard. Reindeer I could understand them finding difficult- one class kept saying greendaa- but snow flake I don't get). Student's are consistently surprised by the fact that a) I can draw snowmen b) I can make snowflakes out of paper and c) I can write with chalk (?!?) I am not sure what else you do with chalk, but when I have used it to write on paper it's caused more of a stir than my eating with chop sticks (or chip chops as one of my favourite teachers translated them).

iv) Travel
Tip: travel anywhere, there's always someone who hasn't been there.
This weekend I went to Okayama again and stayed with Fiona and saw the doctor again because I am scratching more than a hooker with the clap. So she gave me stronger pills and some stronger creams. Still itching though. 14 weeks and counting...

Anyway, after a quick whiz round the shops and an essential visit to Starbucks (mmm, real coffee and soya milk), I headed to Fukuyama in the next prefecture (Hiroshima) where I met Saddam (Sarah). The weather was shocking- raining and cold- so we met in Starbucks and spent much time talking. After looking round the shops for a while we headed back to Kasaoka where Saddam lives and met RayVon for our tea (nice curried fried rice and tofu). Then we put up Saddam's Christmas lights. What we thought was a string of 10,000,000 lights (and what we thought would take 4 hours) took 10 minutes to put up as it turned out to be a net of 10,000,000 lights. She now has a wall of lightbulbs which is OK only because her house is made out of plastic like mine and not paper and chip chops like Johanna's. Upon my return, Amy, an assistant language teacher, came to stay overnight and we had a good old chat and ate loads of food, healthy and not.

Actually, travel only contributed to my image because one of the teachers hadn't been to Kasaoka and seemed surprised. I didn't mention Fukuyama because you're supposed to bring back gifts for everyone at work when you leave the prefecture (sweets or something) and I'm too mean.

v) Challenge yourself
Tip: don't actually offer to do things, do what you can't get out of.
So, in further restructuring of my image, I have been involved in sports. At school on Tuesday one teacher roped me into playing baseball at playtime. Initially appearing as useful as a can of pop in a house fire I convinced one of the kids to play football instead (well, I actually said, we don't have baseball in England and they brought out the football), although for the life of me I can't see that this was much better. Although the teachers proved that either a) they are blind or b) that they are liars, as they told me I was talented at football (is there anything I can't do? Don't answer that).
And today I have been practising for some marathon with the elementary kids. What marathon I do not know. And I will not be running, so I don't care. What I do care about is the practicality of running around in a sandpit with sensible shoes on for 10 minutes. I don't think that'll help my image at all...

Yes I realise that's actually five steps rather than three like I said, but I promised cheap magazine style, and only cheap magazines would make such mistakes (I'm thinking Bella, Take A Break, and the God of cheap magazines That's Life- sample piece of advice "instead of throwing away old scouring pads, I put them in my shower and my family uses them to exfoliate!")

Anyway, I shall finish this like I finish my emails. I am at school allegedly preparing for tomorrow's lessons, so I have to go in case they think I'm not busy. I have an image to maintain after all.

"Uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh no no-no"

As said by Beyonce. And very fitting it is too. This week's instalment will be in two parts (the second will probably be written next week, and will therefore become next week's instalment and I will look stupid. Again.) This is because no matter how small the place I live, I manage to run around like a headless chicken creating excitement for myself by fannying about as much as possible and dithering wherever I can. This seems to create a sense of drama and makes me feel like I'm living a normal life. Albeit one without H&M, HMV, H. Samuel, and H out of Steps.

This week has been the same old fannying. Last weekend was our big thanksgiving weekend, and was in Abby's town, Shingo, which is 1 hour west of my town. Only I had to go to the Doctor's in Okayama Saturday morning, so it was the bus to Okayama on Friday night whereby I continued my psychotic hunt for fairy lights and failed because all bar three shops were shut. So I went to Fiona's, she cooked us tea and we put on a video but talked all the way through anyway. I remember informing her at one point that I'd got over the shopping thing, and didn't really need to buy much right now, other than Christmas presents. I did believe this when I said it, but within 12 hours I was in Tower Records buying two (not one, but two!) Kylie DVDs and the new Destiny's Child album. I wouldn't have gone to the shops you understand, but my Doctor's is near the shopping area and I had to go and pick up my plane tickets as well...

So, Fiona and I set off for Niimi, bumping into Jeremy (Christine's boyfriend who has recently moved to the city for work). We read the timetable for trains and decided to get off the next train at Kurashiki so that we could meet RayVon and she travel with us. So we got off the train, and 2 minutes later, RayVon was with us. Hurrah! Jolly hockey sticks, etc... And Hurrah! Jolly hockey sticks etc, there was another train withn 15 minutes. Eerybody onboard! Sorry Fiona, what did you say? We're getting off? OK. Oh, this one doesn't go to Niimi. Well, there be one in a couple of minutes. Let's check. Oh. Oh dear, that can't be right. There'll be one in 75 minutes. What are we going to do for 75 minutes? Oh, hurrah! Jolly hockey sticks etc... the vending machines sell alcohol!

And so started our first Thanksgiving. We were at the hall for an half hour preparing food, then an hour eating it (Leejay, Abby and English miss Amy had been theremost of the day and hordes had joined as we'd gone on, some bringing dishes, like ChoLyn and her excellent Pumpkin pie). After we'd eaten, we had to rush to clear out, as our party was in a community hall which closed at 6. Oops. So we carried on eating and drinking at Abby's and had great fun, but it all got a bit messy. Some evil, cruel person made a video of it and showed us the next day. I am never drinking again. It made my hair look awful.

Well, much of Sunday was spent recovering, cleaning up Abby's flat, and then cursing the highly efficient public transport system (efficient in as much as they don't waste time putting trains on the tracks). And eating. There was so much food left over and well, you can't waste it can you.

Right, I am leaving school now, so I will finish this at some point- maybe Sunday, maybe next week. Who knows? Who cares?

Dear God, it's all too much

The Lebanon will be represented in the semi final of Eurovision 2005. Which part of Europe is the Lebanon in again?

Is it the same part that Israel's in?

Dazzling colour at the golden temple 

Golden temple obscured by trees but with some nice colour at the back. 

Red leaves at Heian Jingu gardens 

Heian Jingu gardens 

Kiyomizu Dera- Kyoto 

Thank you, yes thank you, it's fantastic, thank you very much...

If I was Bridget Jones I would open my diary entry like this:

Wednesday, November 24rd
Weight unknown (but greater than before due to excess of rice and pasta in diet), chocolate bars eaten: 5 (v. good, less than yesterday), calories 4,000,000 (pasta for lunch and tea plus chocolate plus lack of exercise), no. of awkward moments with native Japanese 15, no of superficial niceties uttered as part of fitting in 1,000,000,000,000, opportunities for romance: 0 (am the only gay in the village), alcohol intake: 0 (am on plan of enforced abstinence. Enforced for 3 nights a week. Anything more would be unrealistic.)

And this would be a standard entry, except for the two pasta meals and lack of alcohol. The niceties here are part of what makes life great and at the same time frustrating. The Japanese have a hugely complicated greetings system where you use different greetings depending on time of day, location, the importance of person you're speaking to, whether you're visiting or staying, and 1 billion other unfathomable factors. And to make it even more confusing the same words can be used to express the following: nice to meet you, thank you, I'm sorry, hello, goodbye and would you like a single or a double room (probably). To try and say the right thing is akin to trying to bake bread with a only a rolling pin and some flour. It just isn't happening.

But fortunately the Japanese are gracious enough to realise that I am a dunce and are very kind despite my attempts. This is best demonstrated in staff enkais such as the one I had on the 13th November, where teachers you've decided don't like you actually invite you to their house for dinner. It's always a surprise who will try to talk to you. And it's amazing how happy you are to talk about food for the 6 millionth time simply because it means you can talk to someone (although it was a struggle trying to explain that in England we use different types of potato for different dishes. They only have one type of potato here, and they only think you can fry them.) I was very pleased with myself at this enkai because I only drank half a bottle of wine, and left early. Although not before I witnessed the horrific side to Japanese cuisine. The waitress brought out disches covered in polythene and my kocho sensei (headmaster) waved one under my nose. "Ooh, that looks like eel," I thought, until it flipped. It was alive. I jumped (as you would) and kocho sensei unpeeled the cover to reveal live shrimps. That weren't alive for long. With some gusto he ripped the head off the flitting shrimp and then the tail and gobbled it down. I thought of Gollum in Lord of the Rings and his fish. And then I thought about leaving. I was repeatedly offered said shrimps and in an increasingly loud voice, repeatedly said "no". "It's fresh food," said one teacher. "It's too fresh," was my reply. And suddenly sashimi looked horrible too. But I got over that, as you would.

Sunday, November 14th
Chocolate bars eaten: 5, cans of pop drunk (drank?): 4, number of times stared at by old Japanese women 15, number of CDs purchased 3 (but one was Christmassy, so it doesn't count), number of baked goods eaten 5

We went on a group trip to Tsuyama, where we purchased some pitiful Christmas decorations at the 100 yen store. Despite their protestations, I dragged Abby and Johanna to the nicer of the two parks I previously went to (the one without the monument to potatoes). They liked it when we got there, although none of us liked the Australian guy who latched onto us, then said goodbye, and then reappeared 3 times. On one occasion he asked us if we were high on drugs. I don't really think that's much of a way to make friends, although I can kind of understand how he got that impression given that I was shouting at Johanna for wearing white socks (she wasn't doing sports. It's just not acceptable.) And then I stalked a heron around the park for approximately half an hour, attempting to photograph it. Having a camera phone is not a good idea for me.

Monday, 15th November 2004
Hours slept: 3. All other details forgotten due to lack of sleep and the blur of teaching the under 10s.

Busy day at school teaching colours and restaurant conversation to elementary school children. Had to apologise for being 'ill' the previous Friday. No-one appeared to know I was chucking up thanks to Uncle Alcohol. Denied having a cold 15 times. Have no idea what happened in the evening, although I'm quite sure alcohol wasn't involved.

Tuesday, 16th November 2004
Chocolate bars eaten 5, number of unrecognisable food items eaten 5 (elementary school lunch- leftovers from the river), number of healthy food items eaten 0.5 (unrecognisable dinner, eggy, cheesy rice for tea and choc does not equal nutrition), number of boozy drinks drunk 4.

Oh dear. I was found out. My elementary school contact found out I had a hangover on Friday. Fortunately she thought it was hilarious. It was in a way. The way being how wrong can you get it in front of your supervisor. I think I am the first one in the group to pass out in front of their boss. Oops. Again.

In the evening we got the coach to Okayama (me, Christine, LeeJay and Kathleen from a nearby town) for -non excited pause- another conference. Whoopee. We numbed the pain of what was to come by eating and drinking. LeeJay and I had tea in a restaurant at the station and then we met the rest of our gang (RayVon, Fiona, Ab Slance and Saddam) in a yaki tori (fried meat on sticks) restaurant and drank and drank.

Wednesday, 17th November 2004
Conference. No of times previously given information was given again: 54, no of bitchy comments uttered per minute during speeches: 14, no of new friends made through bitching: 7, no. of inappropriate things said in front of Japanese people: 168 (special score).

Yes, in some ways the day was successful. The lectures were the usual old stuff and nonsense, but it's so easy to make new friends when you just bitch. It's like being very honest about other people's failings, and being honest is a virtue, so I try very hard.

I also tried to locate an English Doctor so that I could speak to someone about this itching. I went to the hospital to speak to the English speaking Dermatologist I was told about only to find out that it was a hospital of internal medicine where 'internal' and 'medicine' were the only English words spoken. But! Thanks to the technology that is my mobile phone with it's built in bilingual dictionary, I was able to ask for a dermatologist and they sent me in the direction of a good one. Who also didn't speak English. But at least I got to see this one without three dullard nurses and 2 gossiping receptionists looking on. Gestures and a mobile phone explained my problems and I was given creams and pills that appear to be working. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Fiona and I finished the day by going to an authentic Indian restaurant which had a beautiful English menu, and then we looked at the Christmas trees and decorations in Okayama.

Thursday, 18th November 2004
Somedays you are placed with an individual who proves themself to be an idiot and it brings you closer to those around you. This was one of those days. We were in groups for the conference and had to discuss and comment on various things. Our groups included Japanese English teachers as well as us ALTs. One ALT spent his time making inane comments in an attempt to impress the Japanese teachers and failed miserably, alienating the rest of us too. But we quickly learnt to tune him out and discount his input (which was rubbish really).

I sorted out my tickets home for Christmas! Woo! Woo!

The evening was another quiet one. I was staying at Fiona's and Busty came for tea. We shared a bottle of wine and had a really good chat. How nice! Busty (real name Betsy) is a really cool American girl. She organised a charity drive for the earthquake victims and raised a good deal of money.

Friday, 19th November 2004
Calories 10,000,000 (I blame the French), alcohol 5 units, cds bought 4 (1 was from some nice Peruvians playing pan pipes in the street- cultural- and 3 were second hand so none of them count)

After 1.45 hours of torture (which included a half hour break) at the conference closing, I paid for my flight home (your Christmas present will be my presence. There is no receipt, you can't take it back. Pretend to be pleased...) and Johanna and I headed for Kyoto for our weekend away. The Shinkansen is a wonder and got us there in an hour, and our hotel was lovely. We wandered the streets, looked at a Castle that closed an hour before we arrived then went shopping. And had tea in a restaurant that had an English menu featuring large amounts of "hose" meat. Someone had scribbled underneath the listing, "horse". Either way, it didn't tickle our fancy. But we struggled on and continued to shop, finding courtyards decorated for Christmas, T-shirts with obscenities scrawled on them (oh, how I had to restrain my shopping urges) and had an almost sexual experience when eating products from a French-style patisserie. If people had given us funny looks as we slid down the walls of the shopping centre with chocolate brownie dripping from our mouths I wouldn't know...

Saturday, 20th November 2004
Sights seen 25, number of Japanese people we scandalised: God only knows, number of pictures taken: 145 on mobile phone, 20 on normal camera, chocolate bars eaten 5, staff harrassed in the GAP 3

So after a brief drama of having nowhere to put out baggage we made it to sightseeing. We wandered round a temple complex where they are rebuilding one of the temples from scratch (e.t.a. 2011) and then went to Kiyomizu dera which had lots and lots of red trees and is just a lovely, big temple complex. I went there last year too. Then we went to Heian Jingu, which is another temple complex, built to 2/3 of it's original scale (it's bloody massive). I went there last year too. Then Yasaka pagoda, a big five storey pagoda, on the way to which we saw some maiko (geishas in training) and they seemed to find it funny that I wanted to take their photo. I went there last year too. And finally we went to the Golden Temple which had some of the most stunning autumnal colours in the grounds, and it was almost luminous at dusk. I went there last year too.

We headed back to Kyoto station by bus which drove us delirious and caused us to repeat Japanese niceties under our breath ad nauseum. And the bus was packed with Japanese people who surely weren't impressed. We stopped at the shopping centre where I bought my first hat in years (I have definitely forgotten my principles- it was a GAP purchase) and then harrassed the shop staff because I really liked the Christmas music. Only being Japan, they were unable to give me the info I asked for. So we headed to Osaka and our youth hostel which was loverly...

Sunday, 21st November 2004
Chocolate eaten 5 bars, CDs bought: 3 (but 1 was a Christmas album to aid mental health and the other two were Japanese language, therefore educational and none of them count. Total=0)

Ok, so I've been to Osaka before, and I like it, but we only had a few hours, so it was a bit of a rush. But we managed to fit in shopping and coffee at Starbucks. And I stalked GAP in Osaka where they also couldn't help with Christmas music. We got the highway bus home and marvelled at (a) how cheap it was, (b) how fast it was and (c) how hot it was on board...

Monday, 22nd November 2004
Chocolate bars eaten 0 (call the doctor), alcohol: lots (but not too much), no. of times was asked if I was cold: 12, no. of times I sang hello song with school kids 26 (8 at school, 18 times in the evening)

Back to elementary school for a busy work day where I confounded everyone by wearing only a short sleeved shirt for the latter part of the day. And then we stayed at a Japanese friend's. Every Japanese house contains something that boggles your mind. The lift in the dentist's house in Hiroshima seemed rather bizarre, but this lady had not only a bidet/wash/ heated toilet seat combo western style loo, she had a urinal as well. The word "why?" kept ringing in my head...
But she is lovely and we have chatted a lot since I got here, and she invited LeeJay and me to her home as there was traditional entertainment on in Tsukida (the town outside mine) that night. The entertainment was an extended version of what we saw on a trip to Bisei town in August on our orientation, but this was funny. Loads of the kids from my schools were there and all came up to say hello, and the locals were all very friendly, even if they couldn't speak English. Lots of hot sake was drunk, and a good time was only marred by the apparent cold. I say apparent, because I was a bit chilly but everyone else was acting like they were sitting in a freezer.

Tuesday, 23rd November 2004
National holiday. Labour thankgiving day. I don't understand the concept.
But we did nothing relevant. Ab Slance came from Shingo town and we went to the launderette. And had English conversation class in the evening.

Wednesday, 24th November 2004
See top.

Today we watched Christine teach and had to comment and say lots of polite things to Japanese people and then a group of us had lunch together and then I got my hair straightened again. This last detail is clearly the most ineresting and important thing that has happened in the last week, and therefore I feel happy closing on this point.

Ta ra for now. No-one here would understand that if I said it to the.

Katsuyama momiji at Katsuyama momiji festival 

Ikura colour 

Ikura view 

Ikura trees 

Ikura waterfall 

Is Betty Ford in the house? Please?...

OK, I always liked Sue Ellen off Dallas, but really I don't think this is the time or the place to be emulating her behaviour (and I'm not talking about wearing shoulder pads and too much make-up either). If someone would care to book me a spell in the sanitorium I really wouldn't object too much. As long as I didn't have to share a room with another alkie and the telly was in English. What fun's a hangover when you can't even watch Richard and Judy? Anyway, more about this later. It's been an emotional 10 days what with speech contest, festival, lack of sleep and being asked if the reason teachers didn't invite me to lessons was because the kids didn't like me. How bloody rude. Fortunately my supervisor put them straight...

So speech contest finally happened. Wednesday, November 3rd. It was a day we'd been dreading - the video of last year's event either a) sends you to sleep or b) incites violence. But fortunately we'd all made sure our students had interesting/ funny texts to recite. And it was hilarious. Thirteen girls from my junior high entered, and I had been heavily involved from the point of finding their texts to coaching their pronunciation. They worked really, really hard to get the gestures right and to memorize their speeches, which may be part of the reason why I turned into stage school mother from hell. Myself and 5 other assistant English teachers (and the fascist guy) were judging and about 15 minutes into the thing I was gushing about how well my girls were doing and telling the other judges to give them excellent marks. Well, I didn't need to 'cause they were really good. One pair came second and another third in the recitation section and another of them won the speech section. I was very pleased and very disappointed that I couldn't congratulate them in Japanese. The closest I could manage was happy new year. Oh well...

After the contest, us judges went to karaoke with the guy from the rotary club and the fascist- the two we had previously been to dinner with. This part was looking to be really awful as it was election day in the US and we really didn't want to be talking to the fascist about this fact. But instead we just drank a lot (despite the fact that it was only 3pm) and sang the most ridiculous songs we could. Or was that just me? I found 'Jenny From The Block' in the karaoke book and did an alarming on key rendition of it. The others were scared...

Thursday night saw the last rehearsal for our dance practise. Let me fill you in on the info I had to date for the dance:
1) it was to start at 7pm and we would dance in 5 places around town
2) we were doing the dance as part of the Katsuyama festival which finished a few weeks ago
That was all. All other questions weren't answered, and as usual I had to make do with the info people deemed suitable to give me. Eugene was coming for a visit from Tokyo and the 7pm start fitted in nicely. Except it wasn't a 7pm start. As the rehearsal started, one of the guys was walking round with a schedule. The day started at 8. 8AM!!! Argh! There was nothing I could do, so I warned Eugene and we carried on as usual. It was also a different festival- it was the Katsuyama Momiji Festival (which is what they call the red leaves on Japanese Maple trees in autumn). So I quickly told Christine there was a festival on Sunday...

On Friday I got a phone call at school. Can I go to another rehearsal, a special one. Ok, I'll be there. 6pm at the Ponti Hall (the name they occasionally use for the town hall). So I went. And was one of only 6 people who attended from our team. I began to fume as I was ready to drop from tiredness, but I couldn't say anything because the people there were really nice. And they had copies of the programme to give me. It had a schedule of things happening on the stage and a list of the performers. "Oh," I thought, "I recognise some of those names. That's the hospital and that's one of my schools. What are they doing?" I asked. "They're dancing," came the reply. "What dance are they doing?" "A different version of what we're doing". "What about the rest?" "Them too, it's a... a... contest." Excuse me? Not only do I start at 8am but we're competing against teams from around the district? Is there anything else you've neglected to tell me?

Saturday was a busy day. We went to Niimi city with Abby and looked at Momiji. We went to a spot called 'Ikura' (Japanese for 'how much?') and it was real purdy. A cliff face with loads of trees and a river in front. And a cave system that you could walk through. And we did. It went on for ages and ages, the floors were slippy, the path was narrow and the roof was low in many places, and you consistently had to watch your head. But being Japan, they'd managed to install a speaker system throughout where some Japanese woman blathered on in a high pitched voice that made your experience just that little bit less pleasant.

In the evening Eugene arrived, and me, he, Johanna and Abby spent the best part of an hour trying to find space in a restaurant in Katsuyama. They were all full. Every last one turned us away. I began to feel like the Virgin Mary at Christmas and started looking for barns containing dining tables, when Johanna remembered the place up the hill where they hate us. We say hate us, but we went there once, and when we went in the woman seemed happy. After 10 mins of struggling to order (we were speaking Japanese) her face dropped and it all seemed too much trouble. But hooray! Eugene speaks Japanese. So we went there and it was successful. Lots of food and drink later, we ended up in Karaoke where we had a boys v. girls contest. We won, or perhaps we beat them into submission by singing horrors such as 'I will always love you' and 'All by myself'. And we drank more. And more. And didn't get to bed till 2am. Oops.

So it's 7am on Sunday, I am due to spend a day looking like a gay fisherman and dancing round town and I have a hangover. A hangover that forces me to forgo breakfast. Not a good sign. But it's soon alright, because at 8:30 after we're all changed into costume, they bring out the sake. And everyone is drinking. My stomach feels a bit better, so yeah, I'll drink too. Lord. I've never done hair of the dog before. It worked but had the side effect of making me drunk again before 10am. My supervisor asked me if I was nervous about dancing in front of everyone. I replied no. He seemed surprised, so I told him, "well, it's not like I know these people, is it?" The day was great. I have never seen so many people in the town, it was buzzing. Everywhere I went I had schoolkids coming up and saying hello (proving that I am popular...)
The only glitch was on our final performance on the main stage. There was a compere for the event and she was talking to people from each team, I assumed probably the choreographer and the captain. I assumed wrong. We finish dancing and she starts walking across the stage, I'm thinking "she's not going to talk to me. She's not going to talk to me. She's not... Shit. She is." And a microphone is thrust in my face. Well, bugger me if she didn't speak faster than a 6year old on Christmas morning. In Japanese. I answered her first question. I answered her second question. And then she just started babbling. And she held the microphone to my mouth. I looked at the crowd (my whole town) and looked at her, and said in Japanese, "I'm sorry, I don't understand". She tried again and I just looked at her. She asked my team mates (3 of whom spoke English) for assistance. They didn't move. She asked one final thing which I answered and then, thank God, we left the stage.

We didn't win. We didn't even get placed, but it was a really fun day.

Eugene left on Tuesday morning- we'd spent Sunday and Monday evenings watching DVDs. On Wednesday I met Johanna and we dinner in Kuse, and then on Thursday (yesterday) I went to a party at a restaurant for our dance team. I was (once again) very tired and had classes at elementary school today, so I didn't plan on staying long. I remember thinking "this'll be my last drink" at about 7 o'clock. Oops. After 2 gin and tonics and 2 pints of Chu-hai (Japanese alco-pops) I moved down the table and started necking sake with some people. 3 of us drank over a litre of sake. Lord, it does taste good, but the effects are bad. Everyone started asking me how old they were, and most I couldn't tell, so I erred on the side of caution and made people happy. Except for when I told someone they looked 30 and they were actually 24. Oh well. He thought it was funny though, so I was alright. I don't really remember much after that. I passed out in the restaurant and when I woke up I decided to be all international and extend the hand of friendship to a Japanese squat toilet. Or should I say to extend the contents of my stomach. I was not a well boy. My supervisor and the 30-year-old-looking-24-year-old took me home in a cab (thank the lord, because when we got there I couldn't even get the key in the door) and once inside I decided I should extend the hand of friendship to my own loo. I have no idea what time any of this happened and also no idea of how I got to bed. I do know I woke up at six in a very not right way, and at 7:25 I had to phone my supervisor to say I couldn't go to school. I'm so very grateful that a Japanese friend in England (Kasumi) taught me the word for vomiting. It has come in very handy...

So today's been written off as my liver did it's best to recover and I caught up on missing sleep from the last three months. Tomorrow I have school culture festival and then we have a staff party afterwards. I feel my attendance may be on the brief side. Unless Sue Ellen takes possession of my soul once more. Why couldn't I have liked a more decent, stable character like Ray Crebbs or Bobby Ewing?

Sorry? What’s going on?

As usual the week has been different and full of surprises. Surprising weather, surprising amounts of work and surprising last minute invites. It was the end of my first three months in Japan and in many ways I’m still as confused as when I arrived here.

The weekend of 23rd October was my first weekend alone in Katsuyama. Most people were doing something for the weekend and due to dance practice on the Friday I wasn’t able to get to the city that night. So I opted for entertaining myself. Bad choice.

On Saturday I woke up unreasonably early (8:30, which in my book is obscene for a day off) and caught a train to Tsuyama, the nearest city to mine- although trade descriptions could be brought in here to investigate. If Tsuyama’s a city then Ilford is a country. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was nice and not sooo small,but the shopping area was more like an old fashioned town, with local shops and local cafes. Where were the chain stores? Now, yes it is a great thing that many small enterprises have survived blah, blah, blah, but when you know the only place you can get a decent cup of coffee is Starbucks, you are sure to be disappointed. Anyway, despite the lack of quality shopping I forged ahead and did my best to help boost Japan’s economy (I like to help where I can). I also found a nice café/ restaurant which was replete with old fashioned gas lamps and union jack cushions. I say I found it, but a café’s hardly lost when it’s sat on the main street and called ‘Madonna’, is it?

I also did the culture thing by visiting two parks, both of which showed evidence of typhoon destruction. The first park was actually the site of Tsuyama castle, although the castle isn't there. I couldn’t figure out where it was, but I have the feeling tinkers may be selling bits of it door to door in the nearest town. The grounds still have the stone walls that acted as foundations (though they’ll be stripped and sold within the week I’m sure) and are lined with trees and random displays (including a tent-like fabric shrine covered in potatoes. Rice I might have understood, but potatoes?) There is also a mini zoo that holds peacocks and birds with funny beaks and a couple of raccoons who are desperate for freedom. I too would be desperate for freedom if my house was falling down around me and I’d been locked in. Grim is an understatement.

The next park was called Shirakoen and was more a traditional Japanese landscaped garden. Again, it showed much typhoon damage with large areas being off limits to the public. This park was really beautiful and featured many Japanese maples, a big lake, some traditional Japanese huts and lots of ornamental (ie pretty, but fairly unstable) bridges. I scared away most of the other sight-seers by looking slightly maniacal with my camera and my mobile phone camera. And the fact that I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts seemed to be a shocker too. It was a mild day, and I was very comfortable. As, obviously, were the people pointing from the bus windows who looked like they thought shorts in late October were hilarious. A word of warning to those people- don’t ever go to Australia. November will kill you.

Anyway, when I got back home I turned on the telly to see lots of pictures of a train station and aerial views of a shinkansen bullet train. And it was on every channel. I first thought, “Has Princess Diana died again, this time on a train?” and then I received a phone call from my Mum telling me about the earthquake. The earthquake in Niigata is still causing problems. After an initial tremor of 6.8 there have been over 200 aftershocks, including one measuring 6 on the richter scale. Many people have been killed, thousands are still without power or water and thousands are still not in their homes. The TV pictures didn’t bring home the gravity of what had happened though- much time was spent showing branches of Lawson’s where bottles of coke had fallen out of fridges and bookshops where books had fallen off the shelves. Occasionally you’d catch pictures of highways that were ripped into 3 or more pieces as if this was an afterthought.

Sunday was a quiet day of preparation for school. At least that’s what I like to think. I basically stayed in bed for hours and hours and then at 3:30 left my flat to go for lunch somewhere. I eventually figured out what to do in my lessons at about, oh, 10:30pm…

And thus started the craziest week yet. The social life got put away and the previous month’s frivolity were forgotten. Everyday at elementary school I taught 4 or five lessons until 4pm. On Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I went to Junior high at 4pm to help the students rehearse for speech contest. On Wednesday I was stuck in school in the mountains with no means of escape (I should have paid more attention to McGyver). At 6 o’clock on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I had dance practice from 6 to 7 pm and on Tuesday from 7:30 till 9 I had English Conversation class. The only break I had was on Tuesday night when I watched a Japanese cartoon film (English title: “Castles in the Sky”) which was excellent. Except that the Castle in the sky was called Laputa which is Spanish for “whore”.

Well, on Friday I was lucky enough to cadge an early lift home and got the bus to Okayama for a wild night with Johanna and Fiona. Except by the time we got there we were a) very annoyed for being told off on the bus for being too noisy (we were told at the end of the journey by which time there was nothing we could do) and b) we were stupidly tired. So we went to a nice, new bar and had a few drinks and went home to watch a DVD.

On Saturday I met Chad and we went to see Mr Miyoshi, the crazy dentist in Chad’s old Hiroshima town. It was a great night. Mrs Miyoshi is an excellent cook and Mr Miyoshi loves booze, and loves even more giving booze to people. We started drinking at 5pm. By seven thirty, having drunk 5 types of alcohol, I was in a very bad way. By 9:30 I was laughing at nothing and struggling to stay upright. By 10:30 we were in bed. Fortunately (and surprisingly) I was hangover free on Sunday and managed to continue to assist in aiding Japan’s financial recovery by actioning a massive surge in spending in Okayama city. I wasn’t doing it for me, I was doing it for the people of Japan.

Well, yesterday was my first day back in Junior high. Back to lesson free days- almost. Speech contest is on Wednesday, so all free time is taken up practicing for that, and then practicing for the dance on Sunday. And then the social whirl had better restart or this is going to get rather dry...

Let's go into the woodwork room. Through the unpeeled wall... 

here's the other bit of the roof 

Oh look! Our Sumo hut is wearing the roof of the gym. That's so not a good look...

Well blow me down...

Oh hang on, the typhoon nearly did.

The typhoon was crazy. Apparently the worst one since 1991, 68 pople died across the country in accidents and landslides and such. There was also devastation in my area. As I walked home (!!) I had to stop in the town office where it was pointed out to me that the car park sign had fallen down. This sign was 3 foot by 2 foot, made of metal and erected on a large pole. Oops. At the Town Office they insisted on giving me a lift home, but I was wearing my stiff upper lip and wanted to walk. Besides, I had to go to Lawson's. And the last typhoon was a wash out and I was wet already, so it would make no difference.

Well! By the time I got home I was literally wringing out my trousers. Fortunately I had plenty of supplies and a bike light that was pretty strong. This became even more useful as the power was on and off more times than a tart's knickers. The 8th power out was particularly annoying on as I had my rice cooker on...

Although it had seemed very loud and windy, I had no idea of the scale of things until, on my way to school on Thursday, I saw a student walking the other way who said school was cancelled. The day after a typhoon? When I got there it was clarified for me. Because of the typhoon there were no trains and buses to our town. Trees had fallen and lots had happened. And oh yes, the roof had been blown off the gym. What??!!

And there it was. The back third of the roof had been flung of the gym and took out the sumo hut on it's way down. The woodwork room (which is funnily enough made of wood and coated in corrugated steel) had had it's back peeled off like it was a tin of corned beef. Various trees had been uprooted, sports equipment battered, and everything inside the gym was sodden through the heavy rains that got in because of the lack of roof. Although inside the main school buildings, water had managed to get in through concrete walls. At first I was looking for the face of the Virgin Mary thinking this was a Northern Ireland style miracle, but then I realised it was probably just poor workmanship...

It was actually a fun day as all the teachers spent the time cleaning up the school and working together (add songs of peace and love here). When the trains came back on, Johanna came to town and we ended the day with dinner at Wakaba (the best Katsuyama restaurant) and an hour of Karaoke. We murdered Cher, Toni Braxton, Mariah Carey and Oasis, but unfortunately not in a way that would make the general public grateful...

Katsuyama festival- pushing the danjiri 

danjiri- big bang cart 

Shaky bangs 

Dance, dance, dance

Hmm... Japan has many traditions and iconic cultural facets (that sounded good didn't it?) such as geisha girls, samurai, martial arts, flower arranging and kimono weaving, but I didn't know much about Japanese traditional dance. All I had seen at school was this dance that the students do where the only words in the song are "yokasou yokasou so ra so ra" (or something along those lines). The movements in the dance are meant to resemble fishermen going out to sea, casting their nets and then hauling in their catch. It's quite interesting to see. The other dance I have seen is one's the schoolgirls made up and performed at the sports day (undokai). They danced to "Mickey". As in "oh Mickey! You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind..." This also seems to be a national and traditional dance song as many JETs have reported their students doing it. It is mildly underwhelming as most of the girls look like they've just taken 20 valium before performing. And then there are the five who are really going for it.

Anyway, imagine my excitement when I was asked to join a team to dance in the festival. "Ooh," I thought, "a chance to meet other gays". And then I remembered I wasn't in England, so I thought, "Ooh, a chance to meet and talk to Japanese people while learning something cultural." Well, it was something close to that. The majority of my thoughts are invaded by the word "chocolate". I sometimes think I am schizophrenic and that my mind is controlled by Cadburys. So on Thursday night I went to the rehearsal wondering what dance we were doing and how hard it would be, and as I walked in, I thought, "that music seems familiar... hmm." And then I overheard "yokasou yokasou". So I can only assume that the geisha girls in Kyoto hold the rights to all other traditional dances in Japan and stand by their copyright laws vehemently. But it was fun. Being instructed in full Japanese isn't too traumatic when you're learning a dance routine. And it was only for an hour. Everyone was complaining about how hard it was, but I guess they never learned dance routines from Top Of The Pops when they were teenagers.

Friday was our first trip to Niimi to see Abby. I met Johanna on the train and appeared to scandalise my Junior High students by talking in a loud voice and sitting with a girl, and then at Niimi we were joined by Saddam (Sarah). Abby lives just outside Niimi city, to the west of Katsuyama, but we ate and drank in Niimi, in the equivalent of a Little Chef called a Joyfull (yes, it has two `l`s, and has cheap and good food too). It was funny (as everything is here). We had a volume contest with a group of 5 under 6's on the next table. We may have just beat them. These kids were so loud even the waitress sneered at them when she came to take our order. The international language of sneering. You can't beat it. Although here you can say pretty much any horrible thing in English and no-one will understand you. But then, you don't know what they're saying about you...

From Joyfull we went to meet some Niimi JETs in a local bar that played Jazz music. Except for some reason it chose to play old 1920s gramophone style music this night. It was quite surreal. The Niimi festival had been on that day and participants had been given big (and I mean BIG) bottles of Sake that no one seemed to want. So Abby told a group of fellas it was my birthday and I had to accept a big bottle of Sake. Not surprisingly we made a quick exit.

On Saturday Abby showed us the delights of Shingo town which included a tree that looked like a giant cotton bud, a massive waterwheel and some koi carp which Johanna tried to feed with a dead crab. She said, "they're Japanese, they'll eat anything." I pointed out that this was wrong. "Only Koreans would eat dead crab". The fish weren't Korean. The Asahi river goes through my town and also through Abby's where it is very shallow, and so we crossed it using stepping stones, and as the time to leave came closer, Saddam and I became distracted by a children's playground. Not many people can say they've been on the swings with Saddam.

We headed back to Katsuyama as I was acting as host for the night to a crazy man who was running a half marathon (which he did in 2hrs and 9mins with Christine from my town) and Chad's friend Tiger. We all went to dinner and Tiger proved his drinking ability. This was even more striking as near everyone else was on soft drinks. Of course, I was the cause of the word near in the last statement, and had some chu hai and some wine at the resturant.

Sunday was a beautiful day, sunny and warm. I woke early but had to wait in for a package to be delivered. I was fooled at 11 by the doorbell. Thinking it was the delivery man, I let him in only for it to be Mr NHK (Japanese telly station, though for the life of me I can't figure out what NHK means- National Hong Kong?). Mr NHK was speaking in fluent Japanese which is always a problem on a Sunday morning. And I knew he wanted money, but thought my continually saying "I don't understand, sorry" must sound a bit false. I ended up giving him my bank details. I'm not sure what I've signed up for. Oh well, you've got to roll with the punches (or something.) Delivery man came at 11:30 and my neighbour made me lunch (her 5 year old son brought it to my door) which was gorgeous. And then I cycled to Kuse. Only three near accidents in my longest ever bike ride (half an hour each way). I almost rode over a snake (I didn't see it when it moved). I nearly fell in a ditch (I stopped at a junction and tried to put my left foot on the floor. Only there was no floor. Oops) and on the way home my shoelaces got caught in the pedals and I nearly went ass over tit into the road. Makes it more fun though I find.

Sunday was in fact a supreme day because a new supermarket opened in Kuse and they had Cadbury's Dairy Milk and Time Out. Made in New Zealand, but still good. And Johanna and I watched "How Stella Got Her Groove Back". If I ever loose my groove, I don't want it back. Apparently to get it back your best friend has to die, you have to lose your job and then some other stuff had to happen. But to be honest, after 2 hours I couldn't have cared if Stella got hit by a bus.

Monday was the start of the Katsuayama festival. This was very interesting. It involved 9 teams each with a large wooden carriage. In turn, 2 teams at a time would run directly at each other and bang their carriages together. It was all very unclear, and I really didn't understand why they did it. But it was fun to watch. The teams are decided on where in town you live, so everyone was cheering on their area. I'm glad I went monday because the rain caused it to be called off last night (too dangerous), so Johanna and I stuffed our face with sushi and cake instead. The only other incident of note on Tuesday was that someone came to school to take my photo. I don't know why. I know it wasn't anything dodgy because he didn't ask me to drop my shirt off my shoulders and pout or anything. I've seen Fame. I know what photographers are like...

And today? Today is Wednesday. And what does that mean? It means the 23rd typhoon this year hits Japan. No kids at school, nothing to do. But update my weblog. It's only 9:40 here. I'm going to be so bored for the rest of the day...

The typical American

Thursday was the day we went for dinner to discuss the forthcoming speech contest. It started in a very civilized way; the man who organized the contest was a surgeon and was very friendly and polite, as, it seemed, was his friend, an old teacher who would be on the judging panel.

We finished our small meeting in the restaurant’s tatami room and then went to dinner. And what a good meal it was. As I still had a rum stomach from Monday’s undercooked yaki-nikku I was very glad that the food was solid and western looking (spaghetti- mmm). Only three of the 6 ALTs invited showed up, and that also turned out to be a good thing as it meant less people could be offended. Johanna and Christine, both American, were there with me.

Things were going well until George Bush’s name somehow came up. The old teacher (who may have been somewhat drunk- at least I hope he was) blurted out that George Bush was a typical American. With speedy rebuttals from Christine and Johanna this was modified into, “the typical American is arrogant”. Johanna answered, “hell, that’s fair enough. I’m arrogant, we’re all arrogant. But the French are worse.” But things here got much worse. Mr Old Teacher began expressing his political views starting with George Bush was the only person who could keep America safe and becoming increasingly wrong to the point where he announced that “sometimes, when the world gets a little delinquent, a figure like Hitler is necessary to bring order.” Immediately the surgeon looked embarrassed and tried to argue against the teacher, but this spurred him on- “only Muslims are terrorists” was his next claim. We were able to disprove this through our knowledge of terrorist groups throughout the world and I felt rather rude (as I’m sure it’s not talked about), but I felt it necessary to bring up Aum Shinrikyo, a Japanese cult who attacked the Tokyo subway system in 1995 with sarin nerve gas. This seemed to get the point home. Eventually, when the whole inappropriate mess was over, we moved to different subjects. Christine announced she was going to run the Hiruzen (local mountain town) half marathon. The two men laughed. Again, this was rather rude. And then Mr Old Teacher started giving her advice on how to train as if she’d never done it before. He may have been trying to help, but his advice was a bit rum to say the least... The evening became so cringeworthy that eventually the surgeon decided we had finished and we went home. Even though he knew we had to wait a half hour for our next train. We didn't protest though. Mr Old Teacher was the first person I’ve met here who was not polite and kind, although I’m sure if he hadn’t mentioned any political views we may not have been any the wiser.

The long weekend came and on Friday Abby drove me and Johanna to RayVon’s place in Shin Kurashiki. A long journey in the dark lthrough God-knows-where led to us getting lost when we were only about 10 minutes from our destination. As is always the way. A nice gentleman in a combini helped us find it.

When we arrived I bailed pretty quickly and went to meet Chad for an evening of South Park, chatting and drinking. Then on Saturday we all met at Aeon Kurashiki (the area’s out of town shopping centre). We shopped till we dropped (or at least we shopped till 2:30- the typhoon was supposed to hit at 3). We headed home in anticipation of bits dropping off RayVon’s house, and nothing happened. Oh well. We ate loads of western food (I cooked a big big curry which did us for three meals) and we watched loads of western telly and films. It was a good break from having to figure everything out and get brainstrain on a daily basis.

The rest of the week was fairly quiet. On Wednesday I tried to be more Japanese then my teachers by pulling an over eleven hour day at work. I had to make an activity to teach the kids, and me being me, it couldn’t be simple. I made the board game “Guess Who”. I drew 18 faces (and duplicated some) and made 13 sets of 27 faces, all colour and laminated. I actually took work home and didn’t finish till 10. I’m over being Japanese now. I’ll go babk to being British and doing the bare minimum. The kids enjoyed the game though…

Surprise sur-bloody-prise

Drink, drink and more drink. That's what Japan is made of. Or at least that's how it seems sometimes.

Having finished the week of elementary school, and being very tired, I had to go on the celebrating trail. I never really know what it is we're celebrating though. My Junior high was out on Friday at a chicken restaurant. It was good fun. I always struggle with what to say to the teachers because my Japanese doesn't stretch further than "I would like a return ticket to..." and "My hobbies are..." And you can only repeat your hobbies so many times before it gets boring. But the alcohol flowed (as usual) and the food was challenging to say the least. When we first arrived, there was nothing but meat and meat and, ooh, what's that? Potato wedges! So I filled up my plate before informing everyone that my ma is Irish and that the Irish are famous for potato cuisine (whatever that is) and proceeded to eat. Then they brought in the sashimi, so I tucked into that. Thinking I was getting drunk very quickly, I decided to eat more, and reached for a plate of salmon nigiri (sashimi on a rice ball). "Tastes a bit odd," I thought, but hey, I need to eat. So I had another. And as I popped a third into my mouth, the English teacher sat next to me said in Japanese, "now, what are you eating?" to which I replied, "salmon nigiri." She shook her head. Eh? "Raw chicken", she said. "Pardon?" "Raw chicken- see you can eat meat!" As my stomach began to turn to jelly and acid and the standard carrot chunks, I informed everyone at the table that I hadn't eaten meat for 12 years (not strictly true, but I couldn't explain eating a mouthful of turkey every Christmas in Japanese) This was met with cheers of "wasuremasu [forget it], sake deshita [it was salmon]". Well, after the restaurant we went to the karaoke we'd gone to before, and -yay!- my favourite teacher (who'd left the previous week) came. She's hilarious and really good fun, even though she only knows a little English. More boozing and much singing followed, and a good time was had by all.

Saturday was another day for visitors as Fiona and Claire came from Okayama. Claire had stayed at Johanna's on Friday, so we met for lunch and went to a Katsuyama cafe called Te-a. And we ate (surprise sur-bloody-prise) italian food. It was bloody lovely though. Fiona joined us and I showed them the sights of Katsuyama (the non-covered 'covered shopping street' and the temples) before we went for a party at Johanna's where the guest of honour didn't show, largely due to the interference of another individual who we've decided we don't like. And poor Christine is slightly stuck in the middle. Although she's put herself there really. A banquet of good food and more booze led to our returning to the Outback bar in Kuse for another obscene performance from drunken Japanese people and drunken westerners (ie us). Although why we trying to show Japanese people what bump and grind was I really don't know.

Sunday was the day of recovery, and involved eating anything we could lay our hands on (although that may a perfect example of the royal 'we' being used), watching 2 films ('Snatch', which was ok, and 'Dumb and Dumber', or 'Mr Dumb' as they call it here, which was hilarious).

Monday was another interesting day. My first trip to a Japanese doctor. I have been itching for nearly four weeks now and it's bloody irritating. So a teacher took me to the doctors. On the way she showed me where the Samurai House in Katsuyama is, so I have to visit there in the future. The doctor's was bizarre. His office was next to reception. A connecting door was open so the receptionists could see in. Two nurses peered at me with a kind of dull look in their eyes. My teacher explained what it was all about and then left the room so I could show the doctor examples of where I'm itching. And the two nurses and the two receptions looked on! I was like, "er, my arm itches, and my thighs, and my legs". So I pointed to the areas. I thought, sod that, I'm not taking off any clothes with this audience. Which is probably why I have a completely ineffective cream now. Hot damn.

Anyway, monday night was the Board of Education staff party. What a mistake. I joined in and we went to a yaki-nikku restaurant. They ordered me a plate of seafood which was very nice of them, but they really shouldn't have bothered. Really. If I ever see octopus again I will either collapse in a heap or scream like a maniac. Or both. You have to cook your own food on a hotplate. Well, between the octopus, the prawns and the scallops I managed to give myself a spot of food poisoning. I always assumed if your drunk enough alcohol it would kill anything like that, but despite my best efforts on Monday night I woke up with a rum tummy on Tuesday. Other highlights of Monday included various younger staff members (male and female, aged 20- 28) wandered round talking about 'breast festival' and imitating other obscene acts. I spent all my time feeling hugely unimpressed and hugely drunk. Onto the karaoke, where the head and the deputy of the office were greatly entertaining (the head is a very funny man, and fortunately is not obscene). I sang some new karaoke songs without anyone pressing the cancel button and we drank more. After karaoke it was on to Kats bar for one drink before heading home in a heap.

Tuesday was spent tracking down texts for students to read in the speech contest next month, and the evening was our English conversation class. We forgot to do anyplanning again. Very naughty. We have a 2 week break from it now, so we should be able to plan something in that time.

Today? Well, today was fairly quiet too. I'm just hoping my stomach will settle down soon and this itch will stop. I am beautiful, no matter what they say...

Evil lives in my town... 

Grey balls and a stormy outlook

Ah, week four of school is over, and it's into week 5. One month down, 10 more to go. For this year anyway.

Week four was brilliant. Monday was a national holiday (the day I came back from Osaka) and Thursday was a national holiday. So only 3 days of school. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying school, but I also like to sleep, and I don't seem to have enough time for that with all these boozy nights out.

Tuesday was a fairly quiet day at school. At Junior High School I am often only involved in one lesson per day, so I spend a lot of time attempting to learn Japanese (and failing). I was still getting worked up though because I had elementary school on Wednesday and needed to prepare after school, but I couldn't because we had our first English Conversation Class in the evening. This was really good- held in a shop on one of the old fashioned streets- and about 12 locals came, all with varying levels of ability and confidence. Plus, two of my Junior High School girls came as well, such is their keen-ness to progress! They all brought food and the class was a welcome party for Christine and me! This town is so nice. Anyway, got a lift home in the rain and thought a lot more about elementary school in the morning. And didn't do anything about it. Oops.

So on wednesday I got a lift to school from one of the teachers who happens to live in my building- very handy as the school's a 30 minute drive away. Immediately upon arrival I began to draw things and download pictures from the internet and then held a very successful lesson where the children learned the names of vegetables, the numbers 11-20 and the names of sports.

The day continued to be a success as I found not only a sport I was good at, but players whose skills I could match. That the sport was ping pong and the players aged 6-12 is really of no importance, and actually quite insignificant I'm sure you'll agree... I took part in the after school club, which actually wasn't after school, as they just shorten the school day so that the kids can go and leave at a decent hour. Makes sense to me.

Thursday was a day of rest and so I didn't get up till around 10, and didn't get dressed till 12. I thought, ooh I'll get some money out and I'll go and pay my bills at Lawson (yes, bills come with bar codes on and you can pay them at the till of selected convenience stores). D'oh! The cash machine was closed. All three cash machines in my town were closed. Hot damn! And while this alarmed me, the sight of my school kids in their school uniforms alarmed me even more. It's a holiday! No school!

Well, it was onto the train to Kuse to meet Johanna for lunch (revolving sushi, mmm), a spot of shopping, and then a trip to the video shop, where Johanna completed her membership and then wandered down one of the aisles as if she owned the place. Except she obviously didn't as she didn't see the over 18s only sign and walked straight into the porno section. The screaming could be heard for miles, as could my laughter, and the laughter of the guys behind the counter. Eventually we rented Matrix Revolutions and some American film I'd never heard of. We decided to enjoy with snacks and stopped off at an odd little shop on the way. I obviously left my principles in my wardrobe in Ilford as I found myself buying a Nestle kitkat, amongst other things. It was such a success. The American film was on DVD and wouldn't play in Johanna's PC. Wrong region. Johanna's snack of chipsticks turned out to be sugar coated. Straight in the bin. Matrix Revolutions was on video and it worked -hooray!- but it was dubbed in Japanese. We watched it anyway. And finally I opened mt last pack of sweets to find compressed candy floss. It was like eating a grape flavoured tampon. More for the bin.

By the end of the Matrix we were clearly delirious and after having tea and watching some more bizarre Japanese telly, I shuffled home to bed.

Friday was a normal day at school, but the night was a big one. RayVon and her friend Ruth and Ab Slance (Abby) all came to visit. We met Christine and Jeremy and drank at Kats bar. Our friends, the owners, weren't there, but the girl from Lawson's was behind the bar. 2 jobs in a one horse town. We'd had plenty of drinks by the time some locals came in, and realised it was time to go when one of them made a successful grab for Jeremy's manhood. So we ran to the karaoke where everyone sang badly but I wasn't allowed to sing 'Gloria' by Laura Branigan. Damn that cancel button. From there we headed to Kuse, losing Christine and Jeremy on the way, and carrying out a full scale drunken assault on Lawson's on the way. But the Outback bar was closed! I have recollections of banging on the door 'cause there was noise inside, but we weren't allowed in. Hot damn! (part 2). So we went back to Johanna's where I passed out.

Saturday was a blur of not sleeping, watching TV, eating (constantly) and with a spot of shopping thrown in for good measure. And an early night.

Sunday morning I awoke at 9, and it was fortunate that I did so as the postman was at the door at 9:30 am delivering a battered packiage of germolene and teabags from my Ma. On a Sunday? Are you mad sir? Johanna came round and for a change I cooked for her, a nice curry, having found garam masala and chilli powder in the local supermarket. It was another night of not much sleep as I worried about the new schools I was staring this week...

Monday was great. A new Junior high, where I had to introduce myself in front of the kids (I hadn't expected to) and I spoke quickly enough so that no one noticed mistakes. From there it was straight into the four classes I had to do. The kids were cool, funny and lively and I think I have perfected the art of being an imbecile. Pull a face every time something goes wrong (ie all the time) and o everything like you know it's stupid. And have a bum chin. It's a saving grace with kids over here.

Tuesday was the same, a busy day packed with classes and kids going wild! I only played an actual game with one class, and the other four I had practising 'I like ... and ...' with animals, sports and food, and they all really enjoyed it. I know 'cause they said so. Yay! At the begining of each class I had to sing an atrocious 'hello' song, and it truly is atrocious. However, it's even more atrocious when you're acting like a Butlin's red-coat on acid using more hand signals than a driver with road rage.

At elementary schools you get given school lunch. And it's strange. On Monday we had 3 dishes, one of which was potato salad with ham (!) and kiwi fruit (!!). Nice it wasn't. On Tuesday it was 3 dishes, one of which was meat, so I wouldn't eat it, and the other was a bowl of soup with squidgy white things, spring onion and balls of grey. Apparently these were fish. They tasted strange. I was desperate for food so had to eat them.

As it was Tuesday night, it was English conversation class and we bluffed our way through. I think next week we'll have to prepare a bit more. I did learn though that those purdy red flaaahs are called cluster amarylliseseses. Or at least that's the translation of the Japanese.

Oh and guess what happened today? Typhoon. Again. They're getting boring now. I ran out of chocolate at 8 and it's not safe to go to Bonnie's. Hot damn! (part 3).

Osaka Nightlife (2) 

Osaka Nightlife 

Bang Bang Chicken

OK, so picture this. You walk into a hall full of children dressed in dark blue robes with metal grills on their faces and hoods on their heads and they are hitting each other. With sticks. Have I walked into a horror movie? No, it's my new hobby- Kendo. Only I wasn't expecting it to be full of pre teens with a blood lust and a list of questions for the foriegner. The best question was "are you a man?" OK, so I was wearing black and white Kendo robes (everyone else had navy blue, even the girls) and had beautiful hair, but clearly I was a male of the species. In body if not in spirit at least. I also wasn't expecting to spend over half an hour putting on robes and costume and while doing so managing to do it ridiculously wrong and insult every Kendo player there has ever been (but really, if you have so many rules for tying a bow in a piece of string, a stupid foriegner is going to get it wrong, right?) Anyway, it was fun. Until it got bizarre and I had to hit my supervisor over the head. I'm not used to such violence. Although by Wednesday night I was perfectly well accustomed to it, and was proper battering him with my stick. I shall demonstrate on drunken victims when I return to England. Broken noses ahoy!

Thursday night was a bit of an accident. I'd bumped into Christine on Wednesday and she seemed to quite keen to get together and go for dinner so she could show off her boyfriend who'd just flown in from the States. Well, we met on Thursday and ate a feast of sashimi, tofu, salad and they ate meaty stuff. And we had a quiet couple of drinks. On to Ai chan's bar where we continued to drink, although we had a time limit. Johanna was going to get the last train home (8:30- this isn't London). Only she decided to enjoy her kast drink and get a cab instead. And then some locals came and joined us. And started buying us drinks. Christine was already smashed and wanted to go home. Jeremy (her boyfriend) didn't want to drink anymore 'I'm drinking whisky!' I replied, 'so? I'm drinking gin and tonic', to which he said, 'yeah, but I'm drinking straight whiskey'. The conversation ended with, 'yeah, well I'm not stopping and I have school tomorrow'. It was one of those statements that sounds vaguely cool but moreso just stupid. And with Christine and Jeremy gone, we drank into the night. And boy did we drink. We went to sit with the locals, who kept buying us drinks, and then they announced that they owned a bar next to the karaoke parlour and that we should go. So we did. We drank till midnight. Six hours of drinking on a school night. Ooh we are naughty...

So I woke up on Friday still drunk, and I had to teach at school and the I had to rush home and pack for Osaka. It was a bit of a mess really. Johanna and I promised each other we'd sleep on the bus, but that was never going to happen, so we gabbed all the way, and met RayVon and Fiona, and eventually Saddam (Sarah) in Okayama. Johanna and Saddam were going on an organised trip to climb Fuji which involved overnight travelling on a coach, no reasonable amounts of sleep and having to be tired with people you don't know. Fiona and RayVon and I were going on a trip to Osaka which involved eating, shopping, sleeping in a nice air conditioned hotel room and not having to talk to anyone but each other. It was cool. We took the bullet train and I remembered my way round from last time. We were very excited about how cheap the bullet train was until it turned out we'd only bought half the ticket and it was twice the price. Hot damn! But it was worth it- £25 each way. We wandered round Shitennoji temple- the oldest government built temple in Japan (or something) which was really nice, and then wandered round the grounds of Osaka castle and then checked in. The nightime involved shopping and eating Italian food (Japanese would have been too dificult as Fiona hates fish and I hate meat). Only, the Italian was almost too difficult as the katakana menu made me cross eyed and I lost the ability to function. The restaurant staff were so nice though and when we asked where a nearby cinema was, they spent 10 minutes drawing us a map. And then we didn't go anyway. Oops.

On Sunday the ladies went to Universal Studios Osaka, and I wandered round the town on my own. Osaka is a cool city, but so busy. People are crammed everywhere. It's not for the claustrophobe. Or for the homosexual it would seem. Osaka has supposedly the second biggest gay scene in Japan, outside of Tokyo. You wouldn't tell. I spent ages wandering round what appeared to be a red light district trying to find it and then realised it was mingled in among the stripper joints and hostess bars. Nice. So I went back to the shops and continued my Japanese cultural experience by going to Starbucks. The taste of home. Indeed, the taste of nowhere in particular because they're flaming everywhere. I half expected Johanna and Saddam to report that Starbucks were on top of Mount Fuji...

By 6:15 my feet had decided they'd had enough, and I sat down in the street and took off my shoes only to find my feet bleeding and blistered. Purdy. So I ventured back to the hotel and when the girls returned we went for dinner. Pizza, again. But we were delirious by the time we got to eat, so the conversation was bizarre and vulgar, and a whole lot more. And we found a shop that consisted of vending machines that sold hard-core adult movies and literature. Unstaffed of course, and open for anyone of any age to enter. Except that at this is Japan, only people of appropriate age and foriegners will go in. So we went in and took photos with our camera phones.

Today was good. We finished out Osaka trip by shopping. Fiona bought some books and tried on boots that didn't fit. RayVon bought some books and saw a gorgeous coat to buy, but it was equivalent to £250, so she said no. I bought grey and purple trainers. They're ace.

We got the bullet train, having bought our tickets from a person and not a machine this time, and arrived back in Okayama in time for me to get the early bus and get home by 6. So now I'm off to bed to prepare for another week.

Spare a thought for poor Sparky, my psycho dog, who was put to sleep this week. Bye bye Sparky. I hope you can read weblogs wherever you are.

Mick Jagger

This is my new look. At my enkai, the teachers told me I looked like Mick Jagger. I don't think this is a good thing as last week I looked like Tom Cruise. But soft hair is better than sharp hair, and who am I to look a gift horse (that you paid for) in the mouth. Or something.

And these purdy (pretty) flaaahs (flowers) have popped up all over town. They're real purdy.

new haaar smooth haaar 

Heaven is a place called Lawson. 

Purdy flaaah 

Katsuyama Temple (2) 

More more more, how do you like it? How do you like it?

Not very much that's for sure.
Monday this week was a mess. I seemed to lose the ability to keep my eyes open and this was at it's worst during school hours. I could say it was because of the three earthquakes on Sunday evening/ Monday morning, but I slept through them all. I could say it was because I was tired from over exertion, but the only things I've over exerted recently are my two typing fingers. Very sore they are. Anyway, it was a pretty quiet day, did the self introduction a couple of times with the third year classes at Junior high, and they were cool. They think I look like Tom Cruise. I love school children.

Tuesday was typhoon number 2, and it was due to hit Katsuyama at noon. So, I thought with glee, a day in bed for me! Not bloody likely. I get the same phone call as before and have to hall arse into school, where I find no-one doing anything. A few teachers were catching up on things, but some appeared to have caught up, and were catching up on computer games and newspaper bargain shopping pull-outs instead (and this included the headmaster). In my tired state I became more and more irritable and angry about having to sit in an office with nothing to do other try and not pass out at my desk. This anger grew even more once the typhoon kicked in and it wasn't safe to leave the building. Although somehow a man turned up at the school doors selling bread in the middle of the storm (!?). He had what appeared to be lovely stick bread, so that momentarily brightened me up and I bought a loaf.

At 4 o'clock our deputy head announced we could leave early. I was not hugely impressed as 4 is the time I finish and the rain was pelting down by now. Sideways in sheet formation. So, I left to walk home having not ridden my bike due to the weather. Within 500 yards of the school I was soaked through, so I decided to head to Lawson's to get a plastic bag for my bread, only I got confused and asked the shop girl for a big desk instead. Doh! (part 50,007). And when I got home, said loaf appeared to have a faux-creamy filling. Doh! (part 50,008).

Wednesday was better, and the tiredness seemed to peak. Only one class at school, and then I went for tea with the elementary school headmistress' daughter and her husband. It was really good. her English is perfect, and he was very funny. I'd been for lunch with her before when she was preparing for teaching exams as she wanted to practice her English. She didn't need to practice...

Thursday was a real trial. I had to watch rehearsals for school sports day, and sit in the heat outside without falling asleep. I couldn't read a book or send text messages or learn Japanese as usual. Hot damn! Still, the evening made up for it as I got my hair straightened Japanese style for an amzing equivalent £50UK. It was 10000 yen. And it's wonderful. It moves when the wind blows, and it takes hours and hours to dry, just like real hair! I am in love.

Friday was business as usual, with two classes, both were cool, and after work we went out for Christine's birthday. Abbey came over from Shingo Town, and me, she, Christine and Johanna went to a restaurant which was real nice, but the 50 year old waitresses were on crack or something. They were in a different world for the whole time we were there, and they made wicked drinks. Johanna's rum and coke was equal parts rum and coke. We will return. Hopefully at a time when our Japanese has improved so that we can order properly rather than just randomly select from the menu.

From there we went back to the Outback bar in Kuse, and was greeted with a chorus of 'Kurisu' by someone I introduced myself to a few weeks ago (I remember because his teeth were shocking) and his posse of friends. This led to drinking games with two of the guys, one of whom kept talking to me, but I he was drunk and I can't understand Japanese these days, so I was clueless (as usual). Games of Janken Po (Japanese Paper, Scissors, Rock game) decided who would drink shots of vodka. Christine and I made an early exit- I had sports day on Saturday and I was drunk from the restaurant...

Well, Saturday came, and I was hungover. Not too bad though, not friends-with-the-toilet bowl bad. Just a headache. And I had to run in a race. So, to school for 8:20 as usual, and then onwards to undokai as they call it. It was very like our sports days, with tug of war and games involving pushing a bicycle wheel around the track with a stick. Teachers had teams in certain races and unflinchingly came last every single time. This went over my head as I became psycho boy, convinced that I could win my race as all the teams had fat kids in who wouldn't run fast. Only, once our relay started I realised that fat kids can run faster than fat adults and, despite some strong athletic turns on our team, we really stood no chance. But I was fast. Damn fast. Or so I was told by the teachers and the kids afterwards. Although these are the people who are amazed that I can eat food with chopsticks, so perhaps it was my being faster than a corpse that surprised them. Who knows?

As sports day came to a close we started to prepare for teacher's night out. We had our enkai in a restaurant in Kuse, and imbued with alcohol and an iron will, we re-enacted the games from sports day with a few props and a lot of booze. The head and deputy head of the school threw themselves into things without abandon, and the whole thing was a right laugh. Everyone drank like the pubs were closing in ten minutes, although we had a huge (and I mean huge) supply of booze and it was only 6 o'clock. A massive amount of food was laid out and the school secretary impressed me hugely by refusing to eat some sort of shellfish, and when I asked her if she liked it, she said 'grotesque'. This was the first English word she'd spoken to me, and lord, her timing was perfect. I was a bit drunk, and proceeded to laugh maniacally. Not as much as during the games we played, or when we redid the kids' dance routines which they'd performed in the day. Class.

After the main meal, we went on to another bar which had karaoke. At first only 3 of us went on, then my favourite teacher (who leaves at the end of this month) turned up- she is a shocking drinker, and likes the drinks I do. I think we'll stay in touch. I sang Abba which was very well received, and then, by accident, 'The Eye Of The Tiger'. Which is just really a load of rubbish, in't it? Anyway, more teachers joined us, but before they settled in, they conga-ed into the bar with their tops off, and then conga-ed out again. Then they repeated this in only their underpants. I was rather dismayed to say the least. More drinks were had, and then it was decided we should leave. This bar had plates of snack food on the tables (Japanese seaweed crackers, chocolates, soft cheese). The deputy head decided that I should have these, and together with my favourite teacher, proceeded to fill my bag with goodies which I ate for breakfast. I stumbled back into my flat in an alcoholic daze with the intent of cleaning and tidying today, but other than a two hour walk round town where I discovered 'culture' again (and photographed every little bit I saw), I haven't done anything at all.

Katsuyama Temple (1) 

In with the new and in with the new.

Here is the day by day run down of this weeks activities/ events:

Monday 30th August 2004
Typhoon hits Katsuyama. I receive a phone call at 7:25 am to say that the kids aren't going to school because of the typhoon, but we teachers are because we have our work to do. Damn. Well, I get to school with my prepared speech, and myself and the other two new teachers introduce ourselves to the other staff. I attempt to speak in Japanese and end up telling the staff that I was a nurse in a study in London (?!), but the staff was too polite to say anything. At lunchtime they were amazed because a) I had cooked rice and b) I had done it in a rice cooker and c) I could eat it with chopsticks, which really is amazing.

We left work early for safety reasons, and one of the English teachers advised me that it would be dangerous to ride my bike in the typhoon. I informed her that it was dangerous for me to ride my bike anytime. So I rode to the video/ CD rental shop where I amazed staff by being able to write my name in Japanese characters and copy my address in kanji from another piece of paper. Students from school had felt it necessary to brave the typhoon in order to loiter in the rental shop, although they didn't actually rent anything. They did, however, give me a whistlestop tour of Japanese pop culture via video and cd cases.

I returned to Marui supermarket and the typhoon really started to kick in, with the rain pelting down hard. By the time I reached home I resembled an entrant in an alternative wet t-shirt contest where there really were no winners, only losers, and with my new supply of chocolate, and my rented CDs, I dug in for the night. At least until 7:30 when the power went. And for some reason the water went. And I don't own a torch, so I wandered the corridors of our building where the emergency light was working until the electric came back on.

Tuesday 31st August 2004
Well, the power and water came back late Monday night, so I wasn’t too frazzled on Tuesday, although I was still worrying about lessons. School started with an opening ceremony where we three new teachers had to speak in front of the school. It’s only a small school, under 300 kids, so I wasn’t nervous, and as I began to read my speech (which I’d written in simple Japanese characters), I began to lose all understanding of said characters and babbled into the microphone, before putting my elbows on the lecturn and groaning slowly. Everyone noticed, but they were all too polite to say anything.

At lunchtime I ate a home made salad. Again, they were impressed by my meal making skills (tearing lettuce is very challenging). Another afternoon of not teaching was followed by an evening of not going to the Puffy concert because I was too nervous about elementary school on Wednesday. I had wanted to see Puffy (Japanese female duo) since I found out they were playing in Kuse, but priorities said no…

Wednesday 1st September 2004
First day at elementary school today, and boy was it better than I thought it would be. Prior to school I had to go and introduce myself to the whole of the board of education and I said something stupid like my hobby is seeing the cinema. They noticed, but were too polite to say anything.

School was cool. The kids were funny, and were taken with my bum chin and curly hair. I wasn't taken with their favourite game of 'Tokyo Tower' whereby they try to stick their fingers in inappropriate parts of your person. I'm not Michael Jackson (who incidentally is not mentally ill) and therefore refused to take part in such activities.

A dinner of greek moussaka was given to me at school, despite their being informed that I don't do meat. I was starved and so ate it, and then they kept asking, "was it ok", "did you enjoy it" and "did it taste good?" I replied, "no", "no", and stopped short of saying "it tasted of murder" which would have been hypocritical anyway as I like the taste of murdered fishes. But I did instead tell them it made me feel sick which may be seen in some quarters as being rude, but they were too polite to say anything and pretended not to notice.

The school's headmistress gave me a lift home, during which time I tried to say that the kids were cute, but I ended up saying the fruits were cute. She was too polite and said nothing.

Thursday 2nd September 2004
Back to Junior high, and today saw my first lessons. I gave a self introduction to two classes and the teacher translated. It wasn't great. Everyone was impressed by my salad making skills again, and I got to prepare for another lesson.

One of the ladies in my apartment block gave me a couple of aubergines and a sweet potato on my way home, and when I phoned Johanna to see if I should come over and we could cook, she didn't understand. When I translated it to egg plants and a yam, all was fine. So we cooked and I returned to Katsuyama for a drink with my supervisor (who became quickly drunk) and other Japanese people who speak English better than I. I made the mistake of explaining the words to a Shakira song, and was consequently asked if I preferred big or small breasts. What can you say? I prefer a good fillet? Or a tender loin? I declined to answer and instead laughed ridiculously. And drank some more.

Friday 3rd September 2004
Finallythe weekend... One lesson at school which went well (first years) and I impressed no-one by buying my lunch from Lawson's. Left school at four and rushed home to pack for a weekend of booze and 80's disco.

Johanna and I entertained each other on the bus journey which basically involved two hours of being very loud and noisy on a bus full of silent Japanese. Damn gaijin. And we took lots of photos of anything we could with our phones and emailed them to people. I love my phone. Even though I still can't use it...

We split at Okayama and I went to meet Chad and James in Kurashiki, and begun a night of heavy boozing, good conversation and good bars, ending up at Norio's bar which is the coolest in Kurashiki (well, I've been to at least 5, so I should know, right?)

Saturday 4th September 2004
Tiday was the day of Winkie's birthday and the 80's night, so I made for Okayama city a.s.a.p.
Met with the exclusive group for lunch/ shopping (which basically meant taking each other's photos and fiddling about with our phones for about 2 and a half hours) and then met up with Winkie and Busty (Betsy) and lots of others for a really good Italian meal (I have never been to so many Italian restaurants in such a short time, and this was the best yet). Winkie and Busty were hilarious and photo madness continued- 18 people with new mobile phones, what else do you expect? Then it was to the Aussie bar for an orgy of booze and dancing. As it gets dark at 6pm here, you feel like it's really late when you're going somewhere, but it was 8pm and we were drinking and dancing like it was 2am. Only I kind of forgot to talk to anyone and did dance until it was 1:30am to tunes such as 'Never Ending Story', 'Walk This Way' and 'I Think We're Alone Now'. A special moment though was Carolyn and my junior drama style performance of 'Smooth Operator'. It was special.

Anyway, when we finally stopped dancing and talked to lots of new people who were impressed/ appalled (you decide) we started to make our way to the Canadian bar, but crashed into Lawson's for food. This ended up with Johanna just crashing and her and I going back to Fiona's by 2:30 after she'd had a good chat with a statue and we'd wandered the red light district in fear of rape and STDs.

Sunday 5th September 2004
Was woken up many, many times by alcohol crazed RayVon who really didn't know what was going on at various times of the morning. A misguided attempt at McDonalds led to her going home very soon due to sickness, and our jaded-ness (is that a word?) meant I did not have the strength to shop. I hope you understand the gravity of this.

So I got the early bus home with Johanna and we had our tea at the only cafe with Sunday opening in Katsuyama. It was there or Bonnie's. Or Lawson's...

Early to bed- school tomorrow...