Getting it wrong in Japan.: A trouser-rippingly good yarn...

Once upon a time there was a poor little gay boy (PLGB). Aged 30 and getting not-so-little due to a diet of chocolate and city smog he continued his life of drudgery and dourness, in turn scaring off potential suitors from promised meetings and spending far too much time alone in Starbucks. He trotted through the weeks, glimmers of hope coming in moments of humour with work colleaguesaand going running in hidden oases of beauty in one of London's more drab quarters.

But then came the weekend.

Last Friday was a good start as PLGB met his friend Adam, and they wandered the streets of London, eventually stopping for sustenance at PLGB's favourite Turkish restaurant before going onto to watch the innovative film, "Marie Antoinette" (the world's first coffee-table film). Mesmerised by the prettiness and beauty of everything in sight, and confused by the lack of dialogue, both were distracted from the lack of anything happening and the general not-very-good-ness of the film. So much so that, at the end, both felt unable to declare whether or not it was good.

And on Saturday, PGLB was off to Lizzy's 30th birthday bash, accompanied by Miss Megan. The path was treacherous as, in their finest finery, PLGB and Miss Megan walked the dangerous roads of Camberwell, ignoring the screaming harpies, the clawed ladies and the clumps of weave in the air and on the pavement.

The party was rather marvellous, and PLGB and Miss Megan drank all they set their eyes on, much to the amusement of Mr Kofi and numerous other friends. Lizzy had only beautiful friends it seems, unless of course she forgot to invite the ugly ones. And then, just past midnight, tragedy struck!

While dancing up a storm PLGB felt something give. And it was something bad. Something that to a normal person could only cause embarrassment. PLGB's jeans ripped right down the seam of his bottom. Oh dear. What could he do? Why, have a drink, show a few people and dance until the party ends of course. And what a messy end as people staggered onto the street, into cabs and buses, and for Miss Megan, Lizzy, Emma and PLGB it was into the chippy. Then the newsagents down the road. Then a bus and a bar and some walking and finally at Lizzy and Matt's, by which time PLGB's jeans were ripped to the knee. More drinking and dancing was in order, and by 4:30am the party was over.

Emma, Miss Megan and PLGB left at 9 the next morning to make their way home. Except for PLGB it went a bit wrong. On changing from the train to the Underground he wandered into a throng of people at the opening of the UK's centre for Scientology, and upon hearing the man behind him shout something to his friend he turned around to see a camcorder pointed directly at the ripped jean area. PLGB will no doubt be soon making a European debut on candid camera. Well, with things going that wrong PLGB gave up and wandered the streets of London to his connecting train before finally arriving home. For him, the week since has been quiet- work, more sushi and running. But tomorrow he goes north of the border to meet old friends and adversaries. What could happen?